Episode Summary
Many people judge and hate on bisexuality, claiming that bisexual people just can’t make up their mind or that maybe they’re just too scared to fully come out. Queer people often judge the bisexual person and their sexual orientation, disregarding the complexity of the spectrum that we laud and celebrate as LGBTQIA+ people.
Today’s guest clearly articulates, with her many examples and questions, the plight many bisexual people encounter.
She tells a story of being married to a man and after her former husband’s addictions and trauma settled in, she decided to move on only to find that she was challenged by queer women.
Underneath her tales of marriage, dating, and trauma, you can hear a subtle yearning to trust herself and, oddly enough, a yearning to trust love, even if the data for what is trustworthy was with her the entire time.
TRIGGER WARNING: Trauma is talked about during this episode. At the end of the episode, Isaac give some helpful remarks when dealing with and/or recovering from trauma.
Episode Debrief
Listen y’all. The unfolding of our sexual orientation is a blossoming.
The fabulous research by Lisa Diamond, noted in her book Sexual Fluidity, lays out what many experience…sexual fluidity. My coming out and the trajectory of my sexual orientation will be dramatically different than yours and that’s wonderful! But sometimes those of us in the queer community start to project our fluidity and our limitations onto others, leaving many people sequestered from belonging.
Rejection in any form is harmful and sometimes rejection is flat-out traumatic, especially if it is violent or violates our boundaries. Trauma often comes with some sneaky and very unfortunate side-effects including shame and self-blame. Carried feelings are the feelings we experience and take responsibility for when, in fact, they belong to a perpetrator. Let me throw out an example. Roll with me here:
Let’s say my partner explodes in anger after hearing that I spent too much money on clothes. His violent and immature demonstration of anger is thrust on me as though I deserve the inappropriate lashing. In my mind and heart, I might feel as though my actions “made him” do what he did. As a result, I might feel that my immaturity elicited such violence.
Instead of holding an appropriate boundary between his behavior and mine, I carry his immaturity by assuming his anger was my fault. Even though he did something inappropriate and immature, I carry the feelings for him as though I am the immature and inappropriate one. In other words, our perpetrators do something shameful and something for which they should take the blame but, instead, trauma helps us carry those feelings for them.
Carried feelings are prevalent when we come out and listen to the immature beliefs and prejudiced reactions of others. Something like, “my sister thinks my lifestyle is wrong, and maybe it is.” We take their inappropriate rejections and hold them towards ourselves. Furthermore, carried feelings will help us feel as though our body isn’t ours. As though we are safer following the guidelines and meeting others’ expectations. Carried feelings lead us to believe we are damaged, flooded with a sense of self-mistrust. Carried feelings are powerful yet sneaky! When we combine the powerful forces of shame we get a dynamic duo with carried feelings.
After we participate in the behaviors that leave us feeling shame, we tell ourselves that we will never do it again: never drink that much, never eat that much, or never sleep with that person again. But because shaming behaviors often come with pleasure, and because shame is a medication for our misery, we find ourselves doing the behavior one more time. After a couple of cycles, we begin to realize that we can’t even trust ourselves, like a monster who is totally against us living at our core.
When we have tried to love and loved with all of every fiber in our being, and it STILL fails, we will hear the message of self-mistrust playing its unstoppable tune. Can I trust myself to know love and can I even trust love. We will question with great uncertainty.
There are so many facets to love and earning our own trust back. I could talk about this for days, but I will say, we know how to love. It is hardwired into our brain, but to find our way back to the sustainable and trustworthy versions of love, we first have to address our shame, call out our carried feelings, and find trustworthy people with whom we can practice trusting again. When we find them, we have to be open to letting their sincere love soak into our core. We have to be brave enough to let it be true, not just as cognitive thought, but as an emotional, felt-sense truth.
To my bi people out there: we walk a thin line. Sometimes we’re too gay for straight partners and our dating history is confusing and scary for them, but we also face queer gatekeepers who are threatened by our straight dating history as well. To this I say, find your language. Get to know your attractions, your tale of sexual orientation as it unfolded throughout your life. Find the language that will clearly help you articulate how your emotional desires drive you towards emotional intimacy because that truly is the mortar of any relationship, way more than sexual intimacy! As you feel your true knowing stabilize your confidence in your truth––sexually and romantically––you’ll develop the language to assuage the fears of those who might also have been burned by love.
I say this a lot, but it bears repeating: the primary function of sexual orientation is not to tell you whose body you’ll enjoy. It is to guide you toward the life-changing love you most deeply crave.
So, if when we came out, we came out as an emotional being rather than a sexual being, we might better understand and trust the nature of emotionality that leads to sexuality, even with all of its complexities and idiosyncrasies. We might be more primed to fall for and trust more readily the person who will create emotional intimacy WITH us, rather than PRIORITIZING someone who does something sexually FOR us.
Thank you to this episode’s guest! I thoroughly enjoyed my time with her. Her energy was like sitting with a great friend! Vulnerability breeds vulnerability, and I want to thank the guest for creating a wonderful space, a sample of what emotional intimacy feels like.
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!
Learn More About LGBTQIA+ Couples, Sexuality and Queer RelationTips
Am I Gender Fluid or Trans?
Created by Everett Dietzler and Daphne ThomasContents Jump To: 1. Do you ever wonder if you might be...
LGBTQIA+Crafting your coming out invitation: Helpful tips for coming out to loved ones
Contents Jump To: 1. Who am I planning to tell? 2. What do I need? What might others need? 3. When do I want to do...
#37 Queer RelationTips: We Are Born This Way & Dr. Jack Proves It
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode DescriptionEpisode Description: This week, Isaac sits down with Dr....
#36 Queer RelationTips: Get Comfortable with the Other “F” Word: Finances
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Episode Description: In this episode, Isaac sits down with...
#35 Queer RelationTips: Coming VERY Out and Sticking To Your Truth
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Episode Description: Isaac talks with today's guest about...
#34 Queer RelationTips: Finding Who You Are & Exploring Where Your Are Going
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Episode Description: This week, Isaac sits down with...
#32 Queer RelationTips: Wit, Weights, and Wedding Vows: The Story of a 40 year long relationship
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Host Isaac Archuleta sits down with TikTokers Richie and...
#31 Queer RelationTips: Shame, Sex, & Healing from the Past Part 2
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Queer RelationTips host Isaac Archuleta sits back down with...
#30 Queer RelationTips: Shame, Sex, & Healing from the Past Part 1
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Queer RelationTips host Isaac Archuleta sits down with...
#29 Queer RelationTips: Holiday Q&Tips with Isaac & Jamie
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Episode Description: Jamie, Co-Director of iAmClinic, joins...
iAmResilient: My Experience in a Mixed Orientation Marriage
Mixed Orientation or Queer Relationships have as much variety as the people on this planet, and every person, and...
LGBTQIA+ Definitions Glossary
Contents Jump To: Category 1: Gender Terms Category 2: Sexuality Terms Category 3: Relationship Models Category 4:...
iAmResilient & My Relationships Can Be Too
re·sil·ience /rəˈzilyəns/ noun the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. the ability of a...
iAmResilient: Queer Resilience for Pride 2022
Marsha P. Johnson was a courageous Black prominent figure of the Stonewall uprising. She stood against political...
Understanding Gender and Sexual Orientation
Contents Jump To: 1. Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation Basics 2. Gender Identity & Sexual...
#28 Queer RelationTips: Exploring Trans Mental Health: A Conversation with Dr. Lin Fraser
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description In this episode of Queer RelationTips, Host Isaac Archuleta...
What does Bisexuality Mean to Me?
Contents Jump To: As A Therapist For Me This Era Todays Language Building Awareness Holistic UnderstandingIt is often...
#27 Treating Anxiety and Depression With Neurofeedback
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description In this episode, Jamie Leach has a conversation with Isaac...
#26 Therapists and Their Own Internalized Homophobia
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description In this episode, Isaac has a conversation with Rae Stout...
#25 Deconstructing Internalized Homophobia
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description In this episode, Isaac talks with Matthew Lieser about his...
#24 First Experiences Being Gender Non-Binary
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description In this episode, Isaac talks with Jamie about their...
How Can I Support My GNC Loved One?
Contents Jump To: Step 1 - Listen Step 2 - Acceptance and Validation. Step 3 - Be Their Safe Space How do you...
#23 Conquering Insecurity Triggers
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description In this episode, the guest talks with Isaac about...
Conflict Resolution in LGBTQIA+ Relationships | Becoming Aware & Having Positive Communication.
Contents Jump To: 1. Step Back and Slow Down 2. Express Strong Feelings Without Blame 3. Listen to Understand...
How To Come Out As Gay – 6 Phases From The Experts
Contents Jump To: 1. Coming Out To Yourself 2. Coming Out To Friends 3. Coming Out To Family 4. Reconciling...
What It Means To Be Genderfluid
Contents Jump To: 1. What Does Genderfluid Mean? 2. What It Means To Be Genderfluid? 3. Gender Identity |...
#22 When Your Coming Out Power Is Taken From You
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description In this episode, we have a brilliant young therapist who's...
Was your coming out power taken from you? You are not alone.
Contents Jump To: The Pain Coming Out Looking Back Confidence My MessageMy coming out story and how it has shaped my...
#21 Toxic Hook Up Culture
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description In today’s episode we sit with TikTok’s JerBear to explore...
#20 Resilience and Persistence in the Face of Trauma
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Not many people in the USA in their early 30s can say that...
#19 Women’s History Month: Including All Women’s Experiences
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Description Paula Williams is a brilliant public speaker with a...
#18 Destigmatizing Butt Stuff
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!Episode DescriptionIsaac sits with TikTok’s Dr. Carlton and they talk all about...
#17 Trans Athlete Mitch Harrison
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!Episode Description In the Summer of 2020, Mitch Harrison competed on NBC’s The...
#16 The Journey with Race and Gender Identity
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!Episode Description Hosts Isaac and Jamie sit with the ever-brilliant Zebulon...
#15 RelationTips Q&A: When a Relationship No Longer Works
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!Episode Introduction Y'all know that life can be rough. Grief and death....
#14 Sexual Health, HIV, & PrEP
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!Episode Introduction LGBTQIA+ sexual health is a very important topic. Many of us...
#13 Psychedelics, Somatic Therapy, and Trauma Processing
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Episode Introduction Psychedelics have a bad rap. The war on drugs stigmatized...
#12 RelationTips Q&A: Bisexuality and the Ending of a Destructive Marriage
Episode Summary Many people judge and hate on bisexuality, claiming that bisexual people just can’t make up their mind...
#1 RelationTips Q&A: Internalized Homophobia and Its Effects
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta and his guest explore the complexities that happen when our learned shame and...
#2 RelationTips Q&A: Addiction, Shame, and Living in Authenticity in the Queer Community
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta and his guest talk about alcoholism, sobriety, and the difficulties those impose...
#4 Trey Pearson – Famous Musician Comes Out After Marriage
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta sits with the founder, owner, and lead singer of Everyday Sunday. They consider...
#6 Kevin Garcia – Bad Theology Kills
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta sits with Kevin Garcia, life coach, content creator, queer person of faith, host...
#8 RelationTips Q&A: Finding Home and Quitting the Performance – Part 1
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta sits with a guest who brought a great conundrum to the show, one that many queer...
#3 Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers – The Development of Sexual Shame
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta sits with Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, a licensed marriage and family therapist,...
#5 Matthias Roberts – Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta and Matthias Roberts, counselor and podcast host of Queerology, talk about...
#7 RelationTips Q&A: Anxiety, Depression, and the Courage to Build a Chosen Family
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta sits with a Denver-based drag queen and talks about the anxiety and depression...
#9 RelationTips Q&A: Finding Home and Quitting the Performance – Part 2: The Performer Chart
Episode Summary In our previous episode, we covered the topic of enmeshment and home, helping the guest find their way...
Considering Open Relationships P3. | Knowing Your Gay Sexbrain Body
Given our natural neurology, open relationships will mean different things to different people. Our sexbrain––the name...
Considering Open Relationships P2. | 1 Question for Gay Couples to Consider
Two strapping young men sat on my couch, wet boots soaking the office carpet. The heavy rain outside was nothing...
Considering Open Relationships P1. | Thoughts for Gay Couples to Consider
Open relationships are the new sandbox where many LGBTQIA+ persons test out their relational skills. Can we explore...
Beyond the Comfy Couch | Applying What You Learned in Therapy to Everyday Life
I like to think that counseling is a snowglobe of our expansive relational, emotional and behavioral lives. The...
Can I Be Gay & Christian? Navigating Your Spirituality & Sexual Orientation
I ran to the altar to confess to God what I’d done. The clothes in my suitcase still had sand in them from the beach...
Mixed Orientation Marriages | Finding the Factors That Keep Your Marriage Together
He had swirled for months, arguing with himself. Parts of him wanted to stay in his heterosexual marriage to preserve...
Emotional Intimacy in Mixed Orientation Marriages
A growing number of spouses are in some way part of the LGBTQIA+ community yet find a great deal of satisfaction in...
Coming Out to Your Spouse: Coming to Terms With Your True Sexuality & How to Talk to Your Spouse
Jump To: 1. What language is mine? 2. My Internal Truth 3. Necessary Closets 4. Acknowledge Outdated AssumptionsShe...
4 Ways Counseling Can Help Improve Your Connection to Yourself and Your Loved Ones
As a graduate student studying healthy relationships, I felt ashamed at how badly my relationships looked on paper. My...
Recovering from Cheating | Identifying the Underlying Causes of Infidelity in Gay Relationship
Jump To: Create a safe environment Practice Trusting Practice VulnerabilityI’ll admit it—I was a novice at dating, but...
My Partner Says, “We Need Therapy” | Is Gay Couples Therapy Worth the Cost?
My Partner Says, "We Need Therapy", But What Does Gay Couples Therapy Cost? For the first 15 years of my dating life,...
Pride in Leaving the Closet
As a young boy I might have passed out had I glimpsed the future and who I would become. I grew up thinking I’d marry...
Pride is a Verb
I went to my first Pride like a closeted gay boy walking through the underwear section at Target—pretending to have a...
Do Open Relationships Work? P2. | Navigating the Common Challenges of Polyamorous Relationships
Life Dynamic & Long-Term Safety As people invest in one another, they do so—in committed relationships—with the...
Do Open Relationships work? P1. | Navigating the Common Challenges of Polyamorous Relationships
Open relationships require major consideration. As one member of a couple, or as a couple, there are many factors to...
Lets Talk About Sex | 4 Healthy Communication Tips for Gay Couples Struggling With Sexual Issues
Many of us are comfortable talking about sex with friends. We divulge details, share tips and tricks, and even get...
4 Ways Counseling Can Help Improve Relationships With Your LGBTQIA+ Partner
I built up an incredible amount of frustration stemming from my partner’s behavior. No matter what I said to him, I...
Is it Time for Counseling? P2. | Healthy Communication Tips When Talking to Your Partner About Counseling
Being a couple means that we invest in one another, sharing not just our time and resources, but also our...
Is it Time for Counseling? P1. | 4 Signals That Gay Couples Should Seek Support
For whatever reason, it is always one; one member of a couple will spend time observing the relationship...
Faith & Sexual Identity | Using Your Spirituality to Strengthen Your Confidence
It was Halloween. I stood in a Scooby Doo outfit made from random pieces of clothing and garments I found...
4 Signs of an Unhealthy Sex Life in a Gay Relationship
Jump To: 1. Obligation & Guilt2. Resentment3. The Silent Transaction4. Self Esteem Booster As a clinician...
Your Emotional Desires Are Always Clean: Emotional Cravings Part 1
"Emotional cravings, I began to notice, were not my demise, they were God’s blueprints tucked into my soul. When I...
© iAmClinic - LGBTQIA+ Therapy, LLC 2022