Maybe you see yourself in one of the young men who ran out of the storm and into my office. You, too, may be considering opening your relationship with the perception that it will liberate a long-forgotten vitality or long-gone sense of sexual thrill. Perhaps you’re scared that opening a relationship could be the beginning of the end.
As an attachment-focused clinician who has worked with individuals of open relationships, I have seen two predominant motivators for open relationships.
First, it may be that one or both of you is approaching an open relationships from a place of security, feeling profoundly steadfast and confident in the longevity of your relationship. With the test of time on your side, you or your partner may be looking to augment experiences of love, sex, and thrill. I assume that couples who want to expand their abilities to love and be loved have an earned secure attachment and deep relational esteem that can withstand the weight of an expanded emotional world. Lovers with high relational esteem are stable in their relationship and feel deeply connected, so that the love for a third or someone outside the relationship is non-threatening. Couples who know this type of steadfast love can be one another’s cheerleaders, celebrating their loved one’s love from the sidelines, like a spectator who wants their home team to win.
One alternative to such a stable love story is when one or both partners feel as though the wells of emotional and sexual intimacy have grown thin, dried up by hollow gestures, patterned resentments and petrified disappointments. Motivated by the fear that the relationship could be more of a trap of stale love, these partners often enter an open relationship seeking remedy for their pain.
Physiologically, we know the early passion in most relationships gradually fades The dopamine and serotonin cocktails our brains create give way to partnerships and everyday routines. (Little wonder that the Greeks separated Eros, the god of passion, from his mother Aphrodite, the goddess of committed love!)
Some people in committed relationships, wanting to keep their stability in place and feel alive again, began fantasizing about romance, thrill, and enticing sexual encounters that can tickle their fancies. Striking a deal within themselves––and possibly their relationship––these partners feel as though an open relationships is just the trick. They have found a way to preserve their cake and eat it too! Although such a deal may bring some relief, if the underlying patterns that allowed the boredom to settle in are not addressed, the dryness will persist and the once-medicated pain of loneliness will turn into resentment over time, no matter who the lover(s) are.
It is very common for people who opened their relationships out of fear, loneliness or pain find themselves in one of the following three categories.
The first is the insecure and scared partner who experiences jealousy and insecurity. They are certain that their partner might love someone else more, leaving them disposable and alone. These lovers may panic and self-medicate to reduce their anxiety. They often agree to an open relationship with fear and trembling.
The third is the lover who cannot make up their mind because they have not acknowledged their fear, loneliness or pain. Confused by their own desires, these lovers will be present for a spell and then gone like a thief in the night. With one foot in, they may pepper you with seductive words to convince you to stay. And with the other foot out, they leave you wondering if you really ever mattered. The whiplash of their ambivalence is painfully exhausting. Ultimately, they will need to reckon with their emotions, before they can be fully present with anyone else.
Knowing the context from which you consider opening your relationship allows you to answer these deeply important questions:
Is opening my relationship about love or fear?That is, might you be making the decision to open their relationship out of the fear of emotional depletion rather than out of love for self and others?
As couples familiarize themselves with their context, one of the first things I recommend is to open up a conversation, not the relationship. Talk about emotional intimacy within the relationship. If the relational climate is dry, if vulnerability isn’t shared or passion is absent, the couple will benefit from reigniting emotional vulnerability. Feeling the relational thermometer reach warm temperatures once again may calm the lonely-forever fears and return the couple back to passion, thrill and romance. Before you enter a relational storm with torrential downpours, set your relational climate with honesty, vulnerability and the power to love yourself and others well. From such an open, honest and sturdy place, an open relationship will have the best chance for success.
Learn More About LGBTQIA+ Couples and Sexuality
Am I Gender Fluid or Trans?
Created by Everett Dietzler and Daphne ThomasContents Jump To: 1. Do you ever wonder if you might be...
LGBTQIA+Crafting your coming out invitation: Helpful tips for coming out to loved ones
Contents Jump To: 1. Who am I planning to tell? 2. What do I need? What might others need? 3. When do I want to do...
iAmResilient: My Experience in a Mixed Orientation Marriage
Mixed Orientation or Queer Relationships have as much variety as the people on this planet, and every person, and...
LGBTQIA+ Definitions Glossary
Contents Jump To: Category 1: Gender Terms Category 2: Sexuality Terms Category 3: Relationship Models Category 4:...
iAmResilient & My Relationships Can Be Too
re·sil·ience /rəˈzilyəns/ noun the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. the ability of a...
iAmResilient: Queer Resilience for Pride 2022
Marsha P. Johnson was a courageous Black prominent figure of the Stonewall uprising. She stood against political...
Understanding Gender and Sexual Orientation
Contents Jump To: 1. Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation Basics 2. Gender Identity & Sexual...
What does Bisexuality Mean to Me?
Contents Jump To: As A Therapist For Me This Era Todays Language Building Awareness Holistic UnderstandingIt is often...
What Does Bisexuality Mean to Me?
It is often seen in films and shows, that existential, authenticity tug of war for queer people: I am too straight for...
How Can I Support My GNC Loved One?
Contents Jump To: Step 1 - Listen Step 2 - Acceptance and Validation. Step 3 - Be Their Safe Space How do you...
Conflict Resolution in LGBTQIA+ Relationships | Becoming Aware & Having Positive Communication.
Contents Jump To: 1. Step Back and Slow Down 2. Express Strong Feelings Without Blame 3. Listen to Understand...
How To Come Out As Gay – 6 Phases From The Experts
Contents Jump To: 1. Coming Out To Yourself 2. Coming Out To Friends 3. Coming Out To Family 4. Reconciling...
What It Means To Be Genderfluid
Contents Jump To: 1. What Does Genderfluid Mean? 2. What It Means To Be Genderfluid? 3. Gender Identity |...
#22 Embracing Authenticity: Queer RelationTips and Navigating Coming Out
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Navigating the Uncharted Waters of Coming Out in a Religious Community Coming...
Was your coming out power taken from you? You are not alone.
Contents Jump To: The Pain Coming Out Looking Back Confidence My MessageMy coming out story and how it has shaped my...
#21 Transforming Narratives: Addressing Toxicity in Gay Hookup Culture
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts! Navigating Queer Relationships: Finding Love Beyond the Grindr Grid Queer...
#18 Destigmatizing Butt Stuff
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!Episode DescriptionIsaac sits with TikTok’s Dr. Carlton and they talk all about...
#15 Navigating Love’s Q&A: RelationTips for Dynamic Couples
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!Episode Introduction Y'all know that life can be rough. Grief and death....
#14 Comprehensive Sexual Health, HIV & Prep – Queer Relationtips Q & A
Get It Wherever You Get Your Podcasts!Episode Introduction LGBTQ+ sexual health is a very important topic. Many of us...
#12 Exploring Bisexuality and Gender Fluid: A Journey Beyond a Destructive Marriage
Episode Summary Many people judge and hate on bisexuality, claiming that bisexual people just can’t make up their mind...
#11 Myths of Queer Male Sexuality – Part 2
In this episode, Isaac co-hosts with iAmClinic’s newest Clinical Associate Clay Malcolmson for part 2 of this two-part...
#10 Myths of Queer Male Sexuality – Part 1
In this episode, Isaac co-hosts with iAmClinic’s newest Clinical Associate Clay Malcolmson in Part 1 of this two-part...
#1 Understanding and Addressing Internalized Homophobia: A Deep Dive
Table Of Contents Liberating Love: Embrace Sexuality and Overcome Internalized Homophobia The Weight of Sexual Shame...
#4 Harmonizing Authenticity: Trey Pearson’s Courageous Journey of Coming Out as a Renowned Musician
Table Of Contents Embracing Authentic Love: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Healing With Trey Pearson The Weight of...
#6 Kevin Garcia Exposes How Bad Theology Can Be Fatal
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta sits with Kevin Garcia, life coach, content creator, queer person of faith, host...
#8 Discovering Home and Embracing Authenticity: RelationTips Q&A – Part 1
Episode Summary Host Isaac Archuleta sits with a guest who brought a great conundrum to the show, one that many queer...
#3 Transforming Narratives: Unveiling the Layers of Sexual Shame with Tina Schermer Sellers
Table Of Contents Embracing the Erotic: Redefining Sexuality and Relationships With Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers The...
Considering Open Relationships P3. | Knowing Your Gay Sexbrain Body
Given our natural neurology, open relationships will mean different things to different people. Our sexbrain––the name...
Considering Open Relationships P2. | 1 Question for Gay Couples to Consider
Two strapping young men sat on my couch, wet boots soaking the office carpet. The heavy rain outside was nothing...
Considering Open Relationships P1. | Thoughts for Gay Couples to Consider
Open relationships are the new sandbox where many LGBTQIA+ persons test out their relational skills. Can we explore...
Beyond the Comfy Couch | Applying What You Learned in Therapy to Everyday Life
I like to think that counseling is a snowglobe of our expansive relational, emotional and behavioral lives. The...
Can I Be Gay & Christian? Navigating Your Spirituality & Sexual Orientation
I ran to the altar to confess to God what I’d done. The clothes in my suitcase still had sand in them from the beach...
Mixed Orientation Marriages | Finding the Factors That Keep Your Marriage Together
He had swirled for months, arguing with himself. Parts of him wanted to stay in his heterosexual marriage to preserve...
Emotional Intimacy in Mixed Orientation Marriages
A growing number of spouses are in some way part of the LGBTQIA+ community yet find a great deal of satisfaction in...
Coming Out to Your Spouse: Coming to Terms With Your True Sexuality & How to Talk to Your Spouse
Jump To: 1. What language is mine? 2. My Internal Truth 3. Necessary Closets 4. Acknowledge Outdated AssumptionsShe...
4 Ways Counseling Can Help Improve Your Connection to Yourself and Your Loved Ones
As a graduate student studying healthy relationships, I felt ashamed at how badly my relationships looked on paper. My...
Recovering from Cheating | Identifying the Underlying Causes of Infidelity in Gay Relationship
Jump To: Create a safe environment Practice Trusting Practice VulnerabilityI’ll admit it—I was a novice at dating, but...
My Partner Says, “We Need Therapy” | Is Gay Couples Therapy Worth the Cost?
My Partner Says, "We Need Therapy", But What Does Gay Couples Therapy Cost? For the first 15 years of my dating life,...
Pride in Leaving the Closet
As a young boy I might have passed out had I glimpsed the future and who I would become. I grew up thinking I’d marry...
Pride is a Verb
I went to my first Pride like a closeted gay boy walking through the underwear section at Target—pretending to have a...
Do Open Relationships Work? P2. | Navigating the Common Challenges of Polyamorous Relationships
Life Dynamic & Long-Term Safety As people invest in one another, they do so—in committed relationships—with the...
Do Open Relationships work? P1. | Navigating the Common Challenges of Polyamorous Relationships
Open relationships require major consideration. As one member of a couple, or as a couple, there are many factors to...
Lets Talk About Sex | 4 Healthy Communication Tips for Gay Couples Struggling With Sexual Issues
Many of us are comfortable talking about sex with friends. We divulge details, share tips and tricks, and even get...
4 Ways Counseling Can Help Improve Relationships With Your LGBTQ+ Partner
I built up an incredible amount of frustration stemming from my partner’s behavior. No matter what I said to him, I...
Is it Time for Counseling? P2. | Healthy Communication Tips When Talking to Your Partner About Counseling
Being a couple means that we invest in one another, sharing not just our time and resources, but also our...
Is it Time for Counseling? P1. | 4 Signals That Gay Couples Should Seek Support
For whatever reason, it is always one; one member of a couple will spend time observing the relationship and see a...
Faith & Sexual Identity | Using Your Spirituality to Strengthen Your Confidence
It was Halloween. I stood in a Scooby Doo outfit made from random pieces of clothing and garments I found...
4 Signs of an Unhealthy Sex Life in a Gay Relationship
Jump To: 1. Obligation & Guilt2. Resentment3. The Silent Transaction4. Self Esteem Booster As a clinician...
Your Emotional Desires Are Always Clean: Emotional Cravings Part 1
"Emotional cravings, I began to notice, were not my demise, they were God’s blueprints tucked into my soul. When I...
© iAmClinic - LGBTQIA+ Therapy, LLC 2022