Life Dynamic & Long-Term Safety
As people invest in one another, they do so—in committed relationships—with the intention of building long-term relational security. Without healthy and consistent doses of thorough communication, it is easy to feel like you might be investing in a relationship that may eventually leave you high and dry. Festering on the fact that a partner may leave you, especially after investing years or a lifetime into the relationship, can be a very scary thought and bleak possibility.
Communication should be consistent enough for all people to feel included, not just with an update on the direction of the relationship, but in the codetermination of that direction. In this light, honest, transparent, and episodic discussion are vital. One should ensure that all people involved are leaders in the decision-making process. Failing to do so may leave some playing the leader and others the follower. The leader may craft a life dynamic that is comfortable for themselves, but no one else. The followers, in their fear to advocate for their needs and desires, may end up living a life they didn’t want or accumulating cancerous resentments.
Here are some rules to consider if you are working toward creating an open or poly relationship:
1. Talk About Talking About Sex
Often, people in open or poly relationships do not want the details of outside sexual rendezvous, but they do want to know when it happens. Desciding with your partners about how you will talk about sex is a very important rule to establish before outside sex happens.
2. Are Some People Off-Limits?
Many open and poly relationships do not permit one partner to sleep with a friend, an ex, or a previous sexual partner. Determining who you will not sleep with can protect the relationship and reinforce your earned secure attachment.
3. Is There Agreement to Cocreate a Relational Home?
Are all people in agreement that if any plans change, all involved (poly relationships) or all necessary people (open relationships) come back to the drawing board? Cocreating means pivoting as a team and allowing the relationships to evolve, bend, and flex as is comfortable for all involved.
4. Are the Relational Roles Clearly Defined?
Not all people in an open relationship (and sometimes poly relationships) will want to have sex with new people. Talking openly about who will have sex, in what seasons of life that might change, and who needs to be told about new sexual roles will keep trust in place. Another role to consider is if the people involved will serve more as friends with benefits or long-term lovers. It should be discussed if the open relationship is about having sex or about finding sex and love. Be clear about what roles you want to play and the roles others will play. Boundaries that will keep these moving pieces in their agreed-upon place should be known to everyone involved. Keeping one another consistently informed will protect everyone in the relationship(s).
5. Is There an Exit Route?
Sometimes couples realize that open or poly relationship aren’t working or are not quite the fit for which they were going. As a means of prioritizing safety and trust, predetermine what an exit route might look like, including having permission to call it quits, informing those invited in, and how that transition will be communicated.
6. Can You be Honest and Vulnerable About Insecurities?
Opening up a relationship or becoming poly can be a very complex situation. One partner might feel completely satisfied and content, while another might simply tolerate the arrangements or sexual encounters. The uncomfortable partner might not feel safe enough to be honest for fear of being erased from the new equation. To foster transparency, honesty, and safety, I would encourage that all partners involved create a safety that honors vulnerability and welcomes legitimate concerns.
Open and poly relationships take a lot of honesty. If you are facing problems inside your poly or open relationship, perhaps its time to revisit the structure, rules of engagement, and agreements you once made. Bring clarity to the relationship.
Take action to stabilize your relationship, get in touch with us today.
Frequently Asked Questions About Polyamory
Polyamorous relationships involve having multiple consensual, loving partnerships simultaneously. They require clear communication, emotional honesty, and mutual respect among all parties. Each relationship is unique, with its own agreements and boundaries, emphasizing transparency and consent. Psych Central
Polyamory focuses on multiple romantic and emotional connections, whereas open relationships typically allow for sexual experiences outside the primary partnership without additional romantic involvement. Both fall under ethical non-monogamy but differ in emotional depth and structure.
Yes, with intentional effort. Successful polyamorous relationships are built on trust, communication, and emotional intelligence. Like any relationship, they require ongoing work and self-awareness to navigate challenges and foster growth.
Jealousy is natural and can be addressed through open communication, self-reflection, and setting clear boundaries. Understanding the root of your feelings and discussing them with your partners can strengthen trust and connection.
Absolutely. Many LGBTQIA+ individuals find that polyamory aligns with their values and relationship goals, offering a framework that supports diverse expressions of love and connection beyond traditional norms.
Consider your comfort with non-monogamy, desire for multiple emotional connections, and ability to communicate openly. Reflecting on your values and discussing them with potential partners can help determine if polyamory aligns with your relationship goals.
Common challenges include time management, navigating jealousy, and ensuring all partners feel valued and heard. Regular check-ins, clear communication, and mutual respect are key to addressing these issues.
Approach the conversation with honesty and empathy. Express your feelings and reasons for considering polyamory, and invite your partner to share their thoughts and concerns. Seeking guidance from a therapist experienced in non-monogamous relationships can also be beneficial.
Yes, many therapists specialize in or are knowledgeable about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. It’s important to find a professional who respects and understands your relationship structure to provide appropriate support.
There are numerous books, online communities, and workshops dedicated to polyamory. Engaging with these resources can provide valuable insights and support as you explore or navigate polyamorous relationships.
